I have successfully hiked from Georgia to Maine. Three days ago I entered the 14th and final state along the AT. Now it is largely a game of holding on, simply maintaining the forward momentum for the final 260ish miles remaining. The big pushes, the big mile days, are mainly over. We're all pretty well past our peak-hiking condition, the mountains have worn us down, and speaking for myself, my legs have no power left on those climbs. I can walk all day downhill, can cruise on the levels, but any incline at all and I'm struggling. I need rest and lots of food, and there's no time for it.
And what's it all for? 1900+ miles of hiking, and in what condition do I find myself? Ever fewer things in my pack, as I continually try to trim weight; ever less weight on my body as fat and muscle alike are metabolized into energy; ever less money in my bank; ever less desire to get a job when I finish, let alone a career; and finally, ever less a sense of belonging in the society, the American culture in which I find myself.
People have occasionally asked my fellow hikers and me if we have lots of deep philosophical thoughts while out there hiking in the wilderness of the mountains. Often we answer that it's just the opposite; even with all that time to think, you'd be surprised at the nonsense, the absolutely random thoughts that go through a hiker's mind. And while that's true, for myself at least, I have had a lot of important epiphanies and thoughts while out there. I've learned quite a bit about myself, had some good ideas. One is that I'm not really much of a loner after all; truth be told, I think a good part of my previous dissatisfaction and unhappiness in life were because I spent too much time alone.
But mainly it's a refinement, a sharpening of my certainty of things I already had a general feeling for. I've always sorta known, but have now become sure, that alcohol is not good for me; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially, it's just poison, I don't need it. I knew before that money and things didn't make me happy, but now I've lived it. I may miss music, or my bike, but 6 months without these things, and they've been the happiest times of my life... and I'm basically homeless out here!
That's actually something that's been on my mind a lot lately, now that I'm near the end of this journey. I had initially hoped that this trip would give me time and perspective on my old life so that I could make some decision about what to do with myself. Once underway on the hike, the sense of belonging, of doing what I was supposed to be doing, made me feel like I might actually make some progress in that. It was as if I was on the right course, and that some answers might at long last be found to the questions in my mind. But I'm almost done and this has not occurred.
I tend to believe in a spirituality of subtraction; that is, dropping one's baggage, letting go of things so that they can flow as they will...basically getting out of one's own way. And I seem to be getting rid of a lot of things, as I said above. The progress, of course, is partial, but I have been learning what it is I don't want in life, what I don't need; and I'm happy to have broken out of my old, stagnant life. But I'm still no closer to figuring out what it is I do want. It's clear to me that my goals in life are different from most people, even those I'm hiking with. Family and career aren't list-toppers. Having a family would be alright, of course, but I've never really been driven towards it. And really, a career is only worthwhile if you have loved ones to support; I don't think it makes sense to work my life away if I'm only doing it for myself. As long as I'm fed, it seems, I can be happy. This hike has taught me that much, so there's no real need for the settled, stable life as long as I'm single. I'd rather wander the mountains.
The problem is mainly that my needs and desires are often conflicting. For example, how can someone who wants to spend his nights out under star-filled skies, who wants to go get lost for a few months in some really wild mountains have the social interaction that he feels he needs to be happy?
Anyways, while all these things stew about in my mind, I'm still having a great time. Weather continues to be pretty good, the mountains have eased off in their ruggedness (the Mahoosuc Range was brutal, capped off by the crazy boulder field of Mahoosuc Notch where I nearly ended up as dead as the moose skeleton that resides down there. Took some tumbles, nearly broke my leg, but it was fun!). Right now I'm in a hostel in tiny Andover, watching U of M football! A slight sense of normalcy for a not so normal life, I guess. Gotta make my family back home proud!
About Me
- Brandon
- Reading this blog will curve your spine, promote commuinism and abortion, induce a state of madness in which you believe that Richard Pryor is climbing up your leg, increase the probabilty that you will die miserable and alone, destroy your parents' credit rating, kill one puppy, and let the terrorists win the war. It is recommended that you avoid this user at all at costs, chances are he has nothing interesting to say. If you were unfortunate enough to read and attempt to process this blog in your mind, it is advised that you seek professional help immediately.
4 comments:
Congratulations, this is amazing, and so are you.
Reading this makes me think a lot about the trail and miss it even more. I’m back at school now and I can feel the walls closing in around me. More and more my experiences in the woods are being broken down into stories and faded memories and I’m beginning to forget the things I learned while I was there. I keep thinking about when I can hike it for real and how long I can afford to wait. I see people like my father – who put his life on hold for so long and is only now beginning to remember his dreams—and I wonder why I’m not there now. I look at school and classes and everything around me and wonder if I am really this shallow. Everything I experience here is felt on such a different level than the few months I spent “alone” in the woods. Being back here I forget the most important thing I learned, I am getting more and more “stuck” into this idea of a degree for a career and more and more I feel different than the part of me that wants to hike and to strike out on my own.
I read things like this blog and I think “God, I knew this person, and was witness to a small part of his amazing journey” and I think how crazy I was to ever leave the trail. Good luck in Maine, I hope you have an amazing journey and thanks for writing because when read your blogs, even here in the middle of Ames I can feel a little of the AT again.
Hi Brandon. Well the final miles lay ahead of you and I imagine they are some of the most beautiful of your trip so far. Living on the trail as you have for the past 6 months, the constant battle against the elements, physical pains, and just the basic need of food and water to survive really bring into focus how simple, and yet difficult it is to stay alive. The happiness you've experienced on this trip we're all tried by suffering, as in every day life. Every day life tends to be very monotonous, grinding away at a job, or as in your case lately, walking for hours with a load on your back. I feel in my heart that Gods divine plan for each of us, will happen as long as we seek His will. So my advice to you son, is enjoy all that He gives you today, and leave tomorrows worries for tomorrow. See what happens when you write such deep blog's, your carpenter dad tries to become a philosopher. Anyway, all of us here at home are proud of what you have accomplished on this journey, and pray that you stay safe and strong to the finish. Love, dad.
Wow...that was really deep and touching, dad. Yes, I have a tear in my eye and it stems from how ridiculously PROUD I am of my lil bro! You have always been an inspiration to me, by far one of the tops on my list of incredible people! I love you, kid and seriously can't tell you enough how proud of you I am! You've discovered more about yourself than you give yourself credit for. As I think you know, you will spend your entire life "figuring it all out", enjoy the journey! Each new day brings new thoughts, ideas, revelations....that's why it's called the "present"! We will have some great times catching up talking when you get home...over some green tea, perhaps? ;0)
(been sober for 8+ months now!!!!) yay!
Love you love you love you!!! Be safe, be strong and enjoy the HELL out of these last few miles!
Thanks everyone. Dad, that's exactly where I'm trying to keep my mind at, reminding myself always to just live the day. But there's a lot of pressure to do otherwise, even out here. Like Meg said, it's a lifelong thing, I guess.
And Carin, I hear what you're saying. I hope we can all hold onto some of what we learned out here; if only that there are always other options than the "normal" life we're in or going back to. I'm not really about escaping society, but finding a better way of living within it, for myself and others if they're interested. I'm feeling it's really true that if you follow your bliss, and not the opinions of others, you'll end up where you belong, even if it's a hard road there. So don't lose hope. I'm pretty sure you'll be back on the trail before too long anyways.
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